Pre: CoM
by Formerly Chilltown
Summary: This one time, on Kingdom Hearts.


Riku and Kairi are friends of the boy Sora, who gets a non-capitalized name unless it's at the beginning of a sentence, and they lived on the Destiny Islands. They did nothing all day and practically sat around and pretended even though they were 14. One day a while back Riku opened the keyhole, but the Heartless got bad directions and got lost.

_Riku: *testosterone activated* WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?_

_With his less-broken arm, Sora wiped the blood from his busted lip. "YOU!"_

Then after a while Riku had the not-so-brilliant idea that they should get on a raft and hope for the best. Sora and Kairi said okay and they built it. They, meaning Riku, built the raft while Sora had an awakening(sex dream!!!).

During a hero's Awakening, they go across a bunch of stain glass panels and they get to have a free Disney-brand weapon. Too bad they have an attack power of suck. Sora fought the Shadows with his weapon but it went away after his free trial was over, so he got PWN'T by his own shadow.

Then the world falls apart because it has such a low population of six children and Sora's mom. And Kairi dies ***SPOILER***. Sora gets the magical Keyblade, a blunt object.

_"Now I can kill these big roaches!" said Sora._

Destiny Islands, as a star, goes out.

Leon, formerly known as Squall, pwns Sora HARD no matter if you beat him or not. In beta versions of the game, the game ends there because Sora gets pwn't so bad he dies. Because the game wouldn't sell, they removed that key feature.

_"Now you're gonna... you're gonna-" Sora fainted._

_Leon and Yuffie high-fived. "Pwn't that n00b!"_

The Guard Armor battle is the most crucial scene in the entire game. It joins the game's three main characters, Sora, Donald, and Goofy. This is the first time the King's men save Sora's ass from the bad guys, even though Donald is practically already dead by the time the fight begins. The Guard Armor is freakin' HARD unless you are at level 5 or above. Or if you have GUARD or SCAN equipped.

_"Gawrsh, uh, are these the Heartless guys?" asked Goofy, hiding behind his shield._

_"I sure hope not!!" said Donald as the gauntlets punched him to death._

They go to the Wonderland where the cat spikes their tea with rum, and they take ecstasy too. Then there were some more worlds but Gummi Ship flying was fucking annoying, and you all know it. Except when you get new gummi parts and you make your own that looks like a wad of gum with ten guns sticking out of it.

Olympus Colosseum proved that Sora isn't worthy of herohood. Phil, half Danny DeVito and half Super Mario Goomba, reveals this to us. Cloud even comes by to say how do you do for a cameo.

_"What do you mean, junior heroes?" asked an angry Donald._

_"C'mon, you haven't even beat Ansem yet! What do you expect!?"_

The jungle world probably was the most redundant world, making it the worst because it only had three types of Heartless. Powerwild, Bouncywild, and Shadow, but occasionally there's some mushrooms walking around. Donald also gets pissed at sora because he crashed the ship while they weren't insured. Goofy tries to mediate, but he finds a peculiar gummy bear that a baby gorilla dropped instead. The whole world was like a broken condom, an accident.

In the Little Mermaid, sora says he's better at magic than Donald, but that has been proven to be false. Sora is able to cast Fire while Donald can transform people into sea creatures.

_"But we all look retarded!" said Sora, who looked particularly stupid with his dorsal fin mermaid-man bottom half. "And where's my PINGAS?!"_

In Neverland, which wasn't exactly Neverland but a pirate ship and Big Ben. This shows that our world Earth is somewhere out there in KH land, just not programmed in all the way.

Okay, so in Neverland Captain Hook finds Kairi somewhere and fools around with her dead body then gives it to Riku. This aspect of the game defies all logic because the body is there, and Namine is Kairi's Nobody, even though she was created by other means. It also defies science 'cause algor, liver, and rigor mortis would've kicked in like, an hour after death and she would rot. Captain Hook is also the only Disney villain that doesn't "die" so I give him props. *claps*

_"I'm not gay!" shouted Hook, applying his eyeliner._

Later on in Hollow Bastion, Donald and Goofy leave Sora. In this time we can truly observe what a pain in the ass it is to not have them around. Sora cannot wield the Keyblade without them. Riku tries to kill Sora, but Goofy shoots out his kneecaps and he and Donald kill Riku. Riku gets pissed off.

Then the trio goes through Hollow Bastion solving mindless puzzles to get to the top instead of taking the lift stop all the way up. Riku makes a deal with the devil and stabs Maleficent, who was apparrently a bad guy in the game.

_Riku: *GODMODE ACTIVATED* OPEN YOUR HEART TO DARKNESS_

Donald and Goofy can't help, making it the gayest battle ever. Sora pretended to be a ghost which scared the Ansem out of Riku.

Ansem is the bad guy of Kingdom Hearts the first game, even though the only bad thing he did was possess Riku and destroy the worlds nobody likes.

_"It is I, Ansem! The seeker of **Darkness!!** And a **LARGE HAM!!!**"_

_Sora frowned. "Aww, so the game's almost over?"_

Kairi wakes up when sora kills himself and Donald and Goofy protect her, even though they really can't do shit. Sora is now a lame Shadow that can only walk and jump. I mean, c'mon. I thought he'd be some cool, powerful Heartless with a black Kingdom Key, but no. He's the lowest Heartless life form. Then Sora gets restored when Kairi hugs him and they are happy together.

_"Confounded Heartless, get lost will ya?" Donald grunted as he bopped Sora's Heartless on the head with his staff._

_Goofy pounced into the air and crushed the Heartless with his shield._

_"Umm..." said Kairi with shifty eyes. "I think that was Sora, you know."_

_Donald's eyes widened. "..."_

The End of the World is the giant trash can for shitty worlds like Destiny Islands and the dalmatians' world. The combination of crappy worlds and old Heartless dead bodies make up the world, and sora realizes that there are much bigger problems than fixing Riku, who is beyond saving at this point.. He goes through and fights the bat demon then goes and fights more Heartless by doing a bunch of dumb stuff.

_"The worlds will return once we beat Ansem, right?" asked Sora._

_Donald and Goofy looked at each other. "...Well, in theory."_

Sora, Donald, and Goofy prepare for a big fucking string of battles. Ansem has a godmoding fetish and doesn't die. He turns into a giant floating exploded Hot Pocket with some shit coming out of it. Once Donald and Goofy come back, Ansem got PWN'T and then he got tricked into dissolving himself.

_"Take care of her," said Riku, before the door closed._

_"Who?" asked Sora._

They go to the big door, which is called the door to darkness, but it's actually a lie 'cause light came out of it. Then it is revealed that _that_ was a lie, and Heartless come out to pwn them because they can't close the door. Mickey Mouse and Riku come out but they get trapped inside and are doomed. Donald and Goofy are finally thanked for being made to hang out with Sora. Sora goes to Kairi who appears out of nowhere and tells her he'll come back, but he doesn't because he, Donald, and Goofy dance on Riku's grave.

**THE END.**


End file.
